At this point I'm guessing about 80/20

[loveflyfree]

So my sexuality has been a constant source of confusion for me since about forever. There was a time I honestly thought I was totally straight even though I felt attraction to girls. I don't even know. I didn't realize that I was possibly bisexual until well after college, which HI COLLEGE WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD TIME TO FIGURE THAT OUT. siiiiiiigh. But yeah I fell in love with a girl and that's how I started to figure it out.

But what I've noticed is that I tend to have more media crushes on men than women. See current obsession Alex O'Loughlin and forever life obsession Karl Urban. But in real life I tend to crush more on women. I'm sure there's something in there about level of comfort and safety that I feel with women men and liking that separation that exists when you only see your crush on a tv screen. Plus I often take it a step further and crush on the characters rather than the actors because less disappointment somehow.

What's the point? I was at a an arts festival today and felt attraction to an actual flesh and blood male. Now granted he lives out of town and I will likely never see him again so the argument could be made that he's no more real than Leonard McCoy or Steve McGarrett but it was just odd to feel actual feelings! He was part of a group doing capoeira and I just couldn't take my eyes off him.

Anyway it leads to a larger issue I have in that while I am incredibly open here and with my friends about liking the ladies, I have yet to come out to my family. Part of it is just general anxiety about telling my parents anything, seriously I never told them about any boyfriends ever... I just let them figure it out, but part of it is not knowing how to label myself. A lesbian who crushes on men? Bisexual, but not in the girls gone wild oh there's a camera on us kind of way? Just generally confused most of the time? It just seems like if I could figure that out it would be easier to talk about it.

I'm not sure there are any answers to be had. I just needed to get some of this out of my head. (and I don't even want to think about explaining to them my views on monogamy and open relationships). Ugh. Family is complicated.

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Comments

[rivers-bend.livejournal.com]

I can definitely see how a general reluctance to tell ones family stuff would make it even harder to talk to them about anything that feels this personal or this hard to explain, never mind both. Our culture is so reluctant to accept (and therefore give language to) anything that exists outside thi binary. And even when there are words, there isn't always understanding.

I find I have a lot more celeb crushes on men, and figure it's partly that I hang with a lot of slashers, and a lot because when I crush on women I care about their everything, from looks to personality, to politics, to that je ne se queerness that is one of the strongest factors in my gut attraction to the ladies. (doesn't have to be a personal desire to sleep with someone of the same sex or gender, but there is something about a true belief that there isn't a heirarchy of sexualities, that gays don't need to be 'tolerated' or 'accepted' that is sexy)

ugh. Typing on an iPod makes it too easy to lose track of my train of thought. But yay for getting thoughts out, and woo, crushes :D

[loveflyfree.livejournal.com]

thank you. I'm glad that what I was feeling made sense in the first place. just trying to navigate all this is confusing enough, and then you add in the weirdness of family (and it's not even that I think they wouldn't accept me, because they're pretty awesome, it's just we don't talk about these things. I've never admitted to having sex. I'M 40!!)

anyway. thanks bb! <3

[antheia.livejournal.com]

God, this resonates so much with me. Although, I'm the reverse in how I identify. I can definitely understand not wanting to coming out to your family because of the labels and whatnot. Family and sexuality are both so utterly complicated, and they're even worse when they're combined in some way.

Which is to say: ack, you have my sympathy and my wishes for luck in figuring it all out.

[loveflyfree.livejournal.com]

thanks bb. I'm stuck between 'ugh labels' and 'oh god I need a label so I can explain this' siiiiigh.

well my parents will be here visiting in a couple months and I think I'm going to try and talk to them. one of the reasons I always chicken out when I visit them is it's always a holiday or someone's birthday and all I can think is 'be more cliche regina.' because yes, that's the thing to worry about. OH SELF.

<33

[antheia.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know how that feels. *smish*

That's probably a good idea. Sometimes it's a relief just to put it all on the table. GOOD LUCK!