and hope this is just imagination
Apr. 10th, 2012 09:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
loveflyfreeso for the last... oh probably 4 months I've been a bit of a crazy person. and I haven't really talked about, not fully with anyone because if I talked about it, that might make it real and then bad stuff would happen. I did mention crazy right?
it's fairly common knowledge amongst my friends that I was raped when I was 18 and a freshman in college. it was homecoming weekend and I was at a party with high school friends (or so I thought), I got way too drunk, blacked out and when I woke in the morning my pants were down around my ankles and there was blood on my thighs. this was my first sexual experience. I cleaned myself up, got a ride home where my mom made me feel bad for staying out all night (even though I told her before I left) and then angrily drove me to the bus station so I could go back to school. I didn't tell her what happened because I didn't know that anything had. well I knew that there had been sex, but I didn't realize that anyone other than me had done anything wrong. nevermind that to this day I can't be 100% sure of who it was. I have my suspicions, but no proof.
fast forward a couple of months and I had missed two periods and was starting to freak out. I made an appointment with the school health clinic and wanted to die when I had to tell the receptionist that it was for a pregnancy test. this was in 1989. it wasn't the dark ages, but it was still a time when good girls didn't go get pregnancy tests. a week before my appointment I had one of the worst periods of my life, with cramps that had me curled into a ball on my bed crying for days. I didn't eat, I didn't go to class, I just laid there and wished that I would die.
when I called to cancel the appointment, the doctor said to come in anyway so that she could check to make sure I was okay. it was during this appointment that a name was first given to what had happened. rape. I went into utter denial mode. I hadn't been raped. I was just a dumb slut who drank too much. she talked to me about consent and about what the exam told her and about how while the tests weren't conclusive, that it was quite probable that my body had miscarried. I turned down the offers for counseling and got the hell out of that office as fast as I could. when I got back to my dorm room I stuffed the condoms and phamplets that the doctor had given me into the bottom of my desk never to be looked at until I threw them away at the end of the term.
it was probably about 5 years later before I could even begin to put that name to what had happened. rape. I had been raped. well. I suppose that's what happens to dumb sluts. by this time I had spiraled into self destructive behavior, mostly focused on drinking until I blacked out, and the occasional sex with inappropriate men. (by inappropriate I mean too old, married, and just generally not nice people. these were the men I sought out. I mean it was what I deserved right?) this went on for a few years until gradually I started to get tired of shame spiral I was trapped in. I'm not sure what pulled me out. I think a big part of it was fandom. I know I've met some of my very best friends because of fandom. I'm fairly certain it's what helped save me. and I learned to stop blaming myself for what happened. yeah. fandom definitely did that.
and so time went by and the it was 15 years and then 20 years and most days I didn't even think about it. and then about four months ago I went to get my annual woman's exam and there was something wrong. abnormal pap (which are so normal I really wish they would find a better name for it) and several tests down the line leading me to today. a month ago I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome). I had an ultrasound and a biopsy and the C word was thrown about and I tried not to freak out (my work friends can tell you that I was unsuccessful there.) and thoughts that had been buried deep down inside began to bubble to the surface.
was that miscarriage I had so long ago... had that been my chance? had that been the baby I was supposed to have? had I been so stupid that I ruined it? and then people around me from both my GP and my gyno to my parents began to make statements like 'well it's not like you're ever going to have children' or when I told my mom about the cysts she just said 'oh just get the ovaries removed, you don't need them.' and the thing is, I get it. I get where they were coming from. I'm 41 and not in a relationship and not sexualy active so I get it. but not one of them ever asked the question. do you want to have a baby?
and the answer is yes. not right this second, but I should have a few more years and I think I really do. will my life be an empty shell if I don't? no. but I think I might actually finally be enough of a grown up to at least seriously think about it.
but with all the tests and diagnosis and general apathy by those around me I was beginning to think that maybe it wasn't going to be possible. maybe I had my chance and it was gone long before I ever knew what I wanted.
I went to the gyno this morning. no cancer, nothing beyond the cysts she already told me about, nothing in the labs that indicates anything wrong with my hormones. and so I asked the question. 'I know I'm 41, is it even possible for me to have a baby?' and she just smiled and said 'of course it is.'
and just like that months of crazy and heartache and pain lifted off of me. I still don't have a partner to make this easier. I don't have the money to go the fertilization route. but what I do have is a body that isn't going to betray me should the opportunity arise. and I can work with that.
hi I'm Regina, and I think I would make a really good mom.
it's fairly common knowledge amongst my friends that I was raped when I was 18 and a freshman in college. it was homecoming weekend and I was at a party with high school friends (or so I thought), I got way too drunk, blacked out and when I woke in the morning my pants were down around my ankles and there was blood on my thighs. this was my first sexual experience. I cleaned myself up, got a ride home where my mom made me feel bad for staying out all night (even though I told her before I left) and then angrily drove me to the bus station so I could go back to school. I didn't tell her what happened because I didn't know that anything had. well I knew that there had been sex, but I didn't realize that anyone other than me had done anything wrong. nevermind that to this day I can't be 100% sure of who it was. I have my suspicions, but no proof.
fast forward a couple of months and I had missed two periods and was starting to freak out. I made an appointment with the school health clinic and wanted to die when I had to tell the receptionist that it was for a pregnancy test. this was in 1989. it wasn't the dark ages, but it was still a time when good girls didn't go get pregnancy tests. a week before my appointment I had one of the worst periods of my life, with cramps that had me curled into a ball on my bed crying for days. I didn't eat, I didn't go to class, I just laid there and wished that I would die.
when I called to cancel the appointment, the doctor said to come in anyway so that she could check to make sure I was okay. it was during this appointment that a name was first given to what had happened. rape. I went into utter denial mode. I hadn't been raped. I was just a dumb slut who drank too much. she talked to me about consent and about what the exam told her and about how while the tests weren't conclusive, that it was quite probable that my body had miscarried. I turned down the offers for counseling and got the hell out of that office as fast as I could. when I got back to my dorm room I stuffed the condoms and phamplets that the doctor had given me into the bottom of my desk never to be looked at until I threw them away at the end of the term.
it was probably about 5 years later before I could even begin to put that name to what had happened. rape. I had been raped. well. I suppose that's what happens to dumb sluts. by this time I had spiraled into self destructive behavior, mostly focused on drinking until I blacked out, and the occasional sex with inappropriate men. (by inappropriate I mean too old, married, and just generally not nice people. these were the men I sought out. I mean it was what I deserved right?) this went on for a few years until gradually I started to get tired of shame spiral I was trapped in. I'm not sure what pulled me out. I think a big part of it was fandom. I know I've met some of my very best friends because of fandom. I'm fairly certain it's what helped save me. and I learned to stop blaming myself for what happened. yeah. fandom definitely did that.
and so time went by and the it was 15 years and then 20 years and most days I didn't even think about it. and then about four months ago I went to get my annual woman's exam and there was something wrong. abnormal pap (which are so normal I really wish they would find a better name for it) and several tests down the line leading me to today. a month ago I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome). I had an ultrasound and a biopsy and the C word was thrown about and I tried not to freak out (my work friends can tell you that I was unsuccessful there.) and thoughts that had been buried deep down inside began to bubble to the surface.
was that miscarriage I had so long ago... had that been my chance? had that been the baby I was supposed to have? had I been so stupid that I ruined it? and then people around me from both my GP and my gyno to my parents began to make statements like 'well it's not like you're ever going to have children' or when I told my mom about the cysts she just said 'oh just get the ovaries removed, you don't need them.' and the thing is, I get it. I get where they were coming from. I'm 41 and not in a relationship and not sexualy active so I get it. but not one of them ever asked the question. do you want to have a baby?
and the answer is yes. not right this second, but I should have a few more years and I think I really do. will my life be an empty shell if I don't? no. but I think I might actually finally be enough of a grown up to at least seriously think about it.
but with all the tests and diagnosis and general apathy by those around me I was beginning to think that maybe it wasn't going to be possible. maybe I had my chance and it was gone long before I ever knew what I wanted.
I went to the gyno this morning. no cancer, nothing beyond the cysts she already told me about, nothing in the labs that indicates anything wrong with my hormones. and so I asked the question. 'I know I'm 41, is it even possible for me to have a baby?' and she just smiled and said 'of course it is.'
and just like that months of crazy and heartache and pain lifted off of me. I still don't have a partner to make this easier. I don't have the money to go the fertilization route. but what I do have is a body that isn't going to betray me should the opportunity arise. and I can work with that.
hi I'm Regina, and I think I would make a really good mom.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
on 2012-04-11 09:14 am (UTC)How are you feeling? Are they going to be able to do something about the cysts?
Oh and: Hi Regina! I'm Claire and I think you're incredible. ♥
no subject
on 2012-04-12 12:43 am (UTC)and thank you. yeah there are days that I don't feel any of those good things but I've gotten so much better at not blaming myself anymore that I take all my victories where I can get them. I'm surprised I didn't burst into tears at the doctor's office because seriously I can't even properly express how happy I am.
I'm feeling mostly ok. the cysts don't really hurt that often, I mostly only notice when I get my period. that's fairly painful but still manageable. mostly it just means that I may need some extra hormones when I'm really trying to get pregnant just to make sure I'm actually releasing an egg. my doctor already went over some of that with me, assuring me that it won't make too much of a difference.
Hi Claire. *glomps* ♥
no subject
on 2012-04-11 01:47 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2012-04-12 12:45 am (UTC)and thank you bb. I could use the hugs now, but I'll collect them when I see you next. ♥
no subject
on 2012-04-11 01:47 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2012-04-12 12:47 am (UTC)no subject
on 2012-04-11 05:32 pm (UTC)You would be SUCH an awesome mom. and despite the fact that we live in a society that seems stuck on women doing their child-bearing in their 20s, it's definitely not something that we have to do. We can do it later.
*all the hugs for you*
no subject
on 2012-04-12 12:50 am (UTC)yeah I think about that sometimes, how our society has all these supposed markers of when you do things (get married, have babies, find your career, etc.) and while I realize that most of it is utter bullshit, it's hard not to get trapped into that kind of thinking. fortunately I have awesomesauce friends who remind me that things can be different.
I gladly accept all those hugs. you are going to Wincon this year yes? I DEMAND HUGS IN PERSON. ♥
no subject
on 2012-04-11 09:31 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2012-04-12 12:54 am (UTC)and it really was. I knew that I should be talking to someone about it but I seriously had this fear that if I presented everything like that it would make the universe say 'no babies for you.' our brains are super evil things sometimes.
*HUGS* ♥
no subject
on 2012-04-12 01:19 am (UTC)And this, too -- the fear that saying something out loud will give it more power and make it more real or something is so hard and vicious. Ugh.
But you? You are awesome. Full tilt boogie AWESOME. ♥
no subject
on 2012-04-11 10:18 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2012-04-12 12:57 am (UTC)no subject
on 2012-04-14 04:57 pm (UTC)You know... college is just so fraught with peril for young girls, many of whom are just drinking and dating for the first time. My friends and I made every effort to keep tabs on each other and, if one of us went missing, to track her down and if she was with a guy, to make sure she knew what she was doing and that she was where she wanted to be. That got us through college unscathed for the most part (funny that my girlfriends kept a better watch on my than my BF did!) That system is so important. It is like swimming: if you don't have a "buddy" don't go into the water! It shouldn't be that way, but it so is. I wish I'd known you and that my friends and I had been there to look out for you. I would have pulled him off and sliced off his dick with my nail file; I swear to fucking god, I would have.
As for the ovaries... people are so fucking insensitive. My good friend had an abnormal pap (as she did every year) and the nurse practitioner said "why don't you just have a hysterectomy?" My friend burst into immediate and uncontrollable sobbing and was depressed for months.
What the fuck, people??? You don't know us. You don't know our plans. I had a supervisor who retired after a lucrative PR career to have children. She had her first at age 45. It was healthy and happy. Helen Mirren didn't find and marry her soul-mate until she was in her 50s. There is no set time for any of this. My sister just had a baby at 40. He was perfectly healthy. As long as you are menstruating, you can have a child.
he first one was so not meant to be. It would have been the product of an act of violence, not of love. Remember, you didn't abort; you miscarried. There was nothing you could have done to stop that from happening. It wasn't Meant to Be.
If and when you have a child, I hope it is a girl. You have a lot of love, creativity and wisdom to pass on to a daughter.
*huggles*
no subject
on 2012-04-15 07:06 am (UTC)people just don't think. no one knows what is inside you and you see a woman who isn't attached and doesn't have kids at 40 and you just go ahead and figure that she must not want them. it's crap. (also Helen Mirren is my patronus charm. ♥)
I know that first child wasn't meant to be. in my sane moments I know this. my brain just likes to bring out that old fear when I'm overwhelmed by other things. because it is evil. but thank you for saying it because sometimes I need that reminder.
*hugs*
no subject
on 2012-04-16 12:06 am (UTC)no subject
on 2012-04-16 04:43 am (UTC)and thank you honey. ♥
no subject
on 2012-04-16 04:01 pm (UTC)I'm glad your test results were good, that's a huge relief. You're such a great person and I'm so sorry that this all happened to you. I think you're strong and brave for talking about it and I wish I could give you all the hugs.
no subject
on 2012-04-17 02:08 am (UTC)